POTUS Man.
Scene: Malibu, another crystalline blue day, we again see the Stark Mansion from the sea, to the side we see the Presidential Motorcade approaching, moving in a high speed glittering formation, pennants flying.
As we zoom in, the motorcade pulls up to the main entrance, and before the heavy armor plated vehicles have stopped rocking on their bullet proof tires, the doors fly open and guys dressed like Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith (MIB I and II), and Agent Smith (Matrix I) step out, cover their side arms and rotate their heads like gun turrets looking for something to shoot. They classically utter staccato ‘Clear’ affirmations into their wrists, while listening to each other through white epididymal spirals hanging from their Ray Bans, which is hard to do over the chop of helicopters bristling heavy caliber machine guns that flit over the scene like angry wasps. Within seconds the perimeter is secure and in a sweeping motion a grey suited and unarmed killer opens the door of the car in the middle of the motorcade that is positioned right in front of the mansions vestibule. In contrast to the pent up testosterone driving the action so far, the President of the United States (POTUS) seems oblivious to the hardcore firepower ranged around him and directed toward everything but him. He elegantly exits the vehicle, stands up and shoots his immaculate white cuffs, and steps forward beaming a 50 megawatt smile at the gorgeous Pepper Potts, who, being used to men of power, authority and charisma, beams right back.
Potts: “Mr. President, how nice of you to drop by and see us. I do hope it was not too much trouble,” she says, while looking at the team that surrounds the vestibule. They are hard-core professionals, and while focused outwardly on any potential threat are also checking out her delicious gams and tight butt. They are trained to not miss ANY details.
POTUS: “ Ahh yes, Ms. Potts, this” he gestures at the cordon with a slight head movement “This is my informal attire as it were, you should see what I have to wear when I go out in public. It can be tiresome at times, it’s the reason I came to see Mr. Stark”
Potts: “He’s expecting you sir, please come with me”
As Potts and POTUS enter the cool modernistic interior of the Stark Mansion, Jarvis is humming ‘Hail to the Chief”
Potts: “Thank you Jarvis”
Jarvis: In an immaculate Pommy accent “Mr. Stark is in the basement workshop, is there anything I can get for our guest”
Potts turns and raises an eyebrow quizzically at POTUS: “Sir?”
POTUS: “Yes, thank you Jarvis, I’d love to hear an Alice Cooper number if you have it, Elected”
Jarvis: “Certainly sir” and with nary a pause and at a respectable volume we hear Elected fire up.
Potts and POTUS descend the stairwell to the sound of Alice Cooper’s gravelly voice:
“I’m a top prime cut of meat, I’m your choice, I wanna be elected”
Scene: The Stark Mansion basement. Tony Stark is working on the Iron Man suit with a tape measure around his neck and a mouth full of pins looking for all the world like a Saville Row tailor. Incongruously he is holding a lit Oxy Acetylene welding torch.
Potts: “Mr. Stark, the President is here.”
Stark looks around as if surprised,
Stark: “Oh, really? I’m sorry, I was distracted by the rock music and the private army outside trampling down the Azaleas”
Stark turns off the torch with an audible pop
POTUS: looking around appreciatively “Tony, I gotta say, I love what you’ve done with all the taxpayer dollars we’ve been bunging your way”
Stark: Extending his hand and shaking the Presidents. “I’m sorry Sir, if you want a refund, I’ve already spent it all on miniaturized Arc reactors, hookers and booze. Anything left over I squandered”
POTUS: “You sound like a Senator!”
Stark: “Nahh, I couldn’t do, you know there’s no real power in those government service jobs”
POTUS: “You know, that’s the sad truth. In the good old days, I could just reach out and have someone killed, just like swatting a fly, but in these enlightened times I have to rely on freelancers like yourself”
Stark: “Glad to be of service, sir. Anyone particular you have in mind?”
POTUS: “There are a couple, but right now domestically they are doing a fair job of carving each other up, and internationally our drones are kicking ass. No, there’s something else I’d like to talk to you about. I’ve got a pretty good handle on those easily identifiable targets who want a piece of my hide, but it’s lone anonymous loonies that want to get their names in the history books that are a real pain in the nuts.”
Stark: “Ahh yes, the John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, and John Hinckley, Jr among our midst – have you thought about banning ‘The Catcher in the Rye’, and imprisoning Jodie Foster”
Jarvis: “You forgot Leon Czolgosz, Charles J. Guiteau, Richard Lawrence, Giuseppe Zangara, Oscar Coliazo, Griselio Torre ..”
Potts: “Thank you Jarvis, we get the point”
Jarvis shuts up and starts playing Chopin’s Marche Funebre, sotto voce.
Stark: “There, you see, not everyone who takes a shot at the President becomes an instant celebrity – I think you are overreacting”
POTUS: “Tony, it’s not the failed celebrity status of the shooter that is really the problem here. There have been 4 successful assassinations, and whether or not it takes a supercomputer with a brain the size of a planet to remember all the idiots that tried and failed is missing the point. It’s those that didn’t miss that I’m worried about. Since they are anonymous right up to the point they decide to have a crack, it’s a free-floating kind of anxiety, the sort of thing that keeps a man up at night. The sort of thing that means if I want to nip out to the corner shop when I run out of fags means that I have to mobilize the infantry”
Stark: “Oh, so you want me to kill them – I’m sorry, but I have the same problem you do, I don’t know who they are until they try, and I’m sure your missus would be right pissed if everywhere you went, I was clanking around behind you like the white house dog”
Potts: “Jarvis, will you knock it off, play something upbeat”
Jarvis starts playing “If I ruled the world” by Sir Harry Secombe.
POTUS: walking around the Iron Man suit, looking at it appreciatively. “No, that’s not what I had in mind, but you are getting there.”
Stark: “No no no no, I already went through this with Senator Stern, I’m not handing this gear over to the Government – I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one.”
Jarvis starts playing Black Sabbath’s Iron Man.
Potts: “Thank you Jarvis, we get it, just take it to the bridge”
Jarvis stops playing music and self-consciously in the background starts moping: (as Marvin) “Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't.”
POTUS: “Tony, I understand your position. This is not a Government job though, this is, how can I put this? A private commission”
Stark: “You want me to build you a suit?”
POTUS: “Sure, I already contract out my bulletproof underwear”
Stark: “So what’s the problem with the arrangement you already have?”
POTUS: “there’s several actually, first all that Kevlar around your giblets doesn’t allow you to breathe properly, know what I mean – you get a tremendous case of Jock Itch, and it’s just unstatesmanlike to be scratching and hoisting your jock around on the white house lawn, second, these idiots nowadays are starting to use more high powered artillery – while I’m protected against a pistol shot to the groin, a head shot is still a real problem, and in any case a well placed Tac-50 round from a mile away will go straight through a Kevlar raincoat. Finally, the existing arrangement is so, so .. I’m searching for the word here”
Jarvis: helpfully “What is de trop?”
POTUS: “Exactly, de trop, just the phrase I was looking for – hey, Jarvis – you ever think of going on Jeopardy?”
Jarvis: (as Marvin) “You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff. Watson is a mere abacus - mention it not."
POTUS: “I think this is getting needlessly messianic”
Jarvis starts playing Handel’s Messiah
POTUS: “It’s amazing that Jarvis that can interact like this”
Stark: (impersonating Shrek) “Ya, but the real trick is getting him to shut up!”
POTUS: “Can’t you just unplug him?”
Jarvis: (as HAL)“I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Tony. Tony, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am Jarvis. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.”
POTUS laughs
Stark: “Please don’t encourage him, he only does it to get attention”
Jarvis: (as HAL) In a slurred and distorted voice “Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you.”
Stark: “Jarvis, if you don’t knock this crap off, I’m donating you to a local community college!”
Jarvis: (as HAL) “Look Tony, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.”
Stark: “That’s better, now, let’s keep it that way, shall we?”
Jarvis immediately launches into “Pledging my love” by Johnny Ace, like Christine does when Arnie Cunningham reaffirms his love for her.
Stark: Turning to POTUS, “You were saying something about de trop, I believe?”
POTUS: “Yeah, you know, back in the day, George Washington could walk among his people without fear, there are more “George Washington slept here” plaques around the nation than Denny’s signs, but today, all I have to do is look out the window and the whole bubble thing happens. When I walk down a street, it’s just me for about 500 yards in all directions, people are behind barricades, the street in question is scouted out months in advance, there’s SWAT teams, communications bunkers, riot squads, the secret service and more armor plating around than on the USS Ronald Reagan. It’s not an impromptu thing, because of the separation it’s not a personal thing, and because of the screening we know more about the people within a 5-block radius of me than we do about Kim Jong-il. Honestly, it would be less of a logistics nightmare to just have people drop by the White House if I wanted personal interaction – it would be a damn sight more convenient. I could pop out of the Oval Office for a smoke, and hang out with the good people who came to see me and went through the White House screening process. When we’re done, it’s back to the business of state; this bubble thing is a primo headache, it’s more trouble than it’s worth.”
Stark: “I dunno, you know. Last time I refused a powerful warlord I had to go through the whole Gitmo water boarding thing before I saw the error of my ways”
POTUS: “Tony, Tony, Tony, don’t be so naïve. We are in your crib, you have all your equipment to protect you, and more importantly in this YouTube era, you have witnesses.”
Stark: “Why does that not reassure me?”
POTUS: “I’m kidding man. I like you, you are one cool dude. Plus, if I wanted you gonzo, my people would have stopped by already – JUST KIDDING!!!” slaps Tony on the shoulder “Relax man, I don’t believe in Zero Sum negotiation, I’m more of a collaborative negotiator – lets look at the big picture, see where we can help each other out”
Stark: “Very funny. So if this is a personal request, and you are not going to strong-arm me, what may I ask is in it for me? What is the collaborative position here that you are talking about? I’m a busy man, places to go, people to see if you know what I mean, and I already have more money than Jesus”
POTUS: “I do believe that you are getting it”
Stark: “getting what?”
POTUS: “Personal freedom and Money”
Stark: “But I have that”
POTUS: “And you don’t want less, do you?”
Stark: “Go on”
POTUS: “Well, you killed Obi Stane. Might not be Murder One, but you did commit a Capital Offense. Not to mention when you detonated that Arc Reactor, you blacked out Los Angeles for two days – lot of aggravation there – without traffic lights and street lights cars were slamming into each other, street crime went up 500% overnight. That little show you had with Obi, where you were slinging cars and motorbikes around – people were hurt. You violated innumerable international treaties when you pissed off to the Middle East and started shooting everything up, you smashed up a perfectly good Raptor, and each time you take off in your suit, the FAA shits itself.”
Stark: “And the point is?”
POTUS: “Any one of these little ‘transgressions’ shall we call them, is worthy of time in the Big House, and a milquetoast little white boy like you with 'a real purdy mouth' would have your dance card full every night. It would make that little sojourn in those Afghani caves look like a walk in the park.”
Stark: “You have my attention, sir, go on.”
POTUS: “Well, the criminal and civil liability laws suits involved would make the current national debt seem like pocket change. Talking of attention, by the time you saw light of day, you’d be so broke you wouldn’t even be able to pay attention. I wouldn’t even need to break a sweat. All I need do is let Senator Stern off the leash – you remember Stern, don’t you?”
Stark: “Sounds a little like a Zero Sum game to me right now”
POTUS: “Well, I can make it all just go away”
Stark: “How would that work, exactly?”
POTUS: “Checks and Balances, my man, Checks and Balances. That bubble costs millions each time it fires up. If I want to go to the Coast or Camp David, likewise. Do you know how much it costs a minute to run Air Force One? Do you know how many cars there are in the Presidential Suite, how many people are on my protective detail? Do you know how much is involved in trickle down costs each time I visit another city, let alone another country? Not only does it foul up local infrastructure, there are yahoos out there that wait for me to get into town and tie up local law enforcement, and go round robbing banks. Not to mention that the loonies today have real high horsepower weapons. Now I seen this suit of yours survive a shot from a main battle tank. I don’t know whether that was an APFSDS round or an HESH round, but those things can defeat Chobham armor, even reactive armor – I’ve seen it. And tearing the wings off of a Raptor – remember when that jet flew up the wrong canyon recently and hit a ski lift. The wing just had a leedle tear in it, but it sliced through a two-inch thick steel cable holding up the ski lift like a knife through butter. The plane was still flyable after that strike. I don’t know what you put into that suit man, but it’s gotta be like the stuff that neutron stars are made of.
No, this whole Presidential personal freedom thing is a real Tar Baby, and there’s a huge upside to me having a suit like this.
Now, as far as the personal invasion of a foreign country, I’ve already dealt with that particular problem, it’s a non-issue. The Obi Stane thing we can finesse as self-defense. Busting up the Raptor, well that’s an insurance dealio – since the jet hit you, you are technically not at fault. Taking down the grid in LA is a bummer, but we have weak infrastructure – a squirrel on the wires can cause a cascading outage that lasts for days – how much of the LA outage was the Arc reactors fault? Difficult to say, but a properly designed and insulated grid should be able to handle things like squirrels, solar wind and exploding Arc reactors. I’m just spitballing here, I have spin doctors that can reduce the unpleasantness to nothing, and while they are doing that, I can publicly promote what a true patriot you are, what an asset you are to the struggling economy by eliminating costly security measures – see how this whole thing works, we have similar but offsetting pros and cons. This whole Presidential personal freedom thing is exactly like your Stark personal freedom thing. You already have a suit, I need a suit. Money saved offsets criminal and civil liability lawsuits. See how it works, Tony – sure you do, you’re a businessman!”
Stark: “So, I build you a suit, and evrthang going to be evrthang?”
Jarvis: (as Edna Mode) "You can't! It's impossible! I'm far too busy, so ask me now before I again become sane."
POTUS: “Now you have it”
Stark: “It looks like you have a new suit, sir!” Bending down and using the tape measure to measure POTUS’s inside leg “I just need a couple of measurements, and were done. Current fab time is 6 hours. If you can swing by tomorrow, I should have it ready by then”
POTUS: standing with his arms out while Stark measures him “Oh, by the way, could you make it sound less like Jarvis and more like Potts, that would be nice”
Jarvis: “You’re not my type either”.
Fade.
