8/6/05 – finished at 5:23 – a swoop!
Ignorant Gods.
God made me write this. He’s a good god. He watches our every move and is deeply interested in the outcome of each individual life. He guides us and makes us do things. He’s guiding me to write this, right now. He has no form, but I see him (and it’s a masculine god, you know) as an old white guy with a beard. He gives us free will which is wonderful, and he loves us all equally, Adolf Hitler, Mother Theresa, Jeffrey Dahmer, the Pope, Richard Allen Davis and our beloved President – I believe that. We are all equal and he has a place in his everlasting kingdom no matter what we do. I’m not a sadistic serial killer, nor am I the Pope, so if I don’t get it exactly right, I know I’m forgiven. After all I’m not as bad as Hitler.
This is what god is telling me to write.
A comedy in 9 parts.
It’s a long time ago. Mankind is barely distinguishable from the beasts that surround him. He has one big advantage, his large brain. Life is pretty tough. It’s composed of trying not to die of starvation and trying not to die from predator attacks. It takes up most of the hebdomad, even though there is no such thing as the hebdomad at this point. He’s learned to speak. Here’s a rough translation. They have to find a shelter to sleep in each night since they are unconscious at this point. Their memories have made this convenient for them, they find a good place and remember where it is. They rely on it being where they left it every day. Most evenings they drag themselves in to the shelter and collapse. Conversation is not an art yet, but in the period between dragging themselves in and falling asleep they speak.
Part 1.
1st Ancient man. Whew, tough day. Man, I’m beat. Hey, while I was foraging today I had a thought. I’m me right, I mean, you are not me, when you are hungry I’m not, so I’m unique. I guess this is what they mean by self awareness. That’s cool, I can live with that. Because I know that you feel hunger, it means you are like me, but not me. I guess this is what they mean by being other aware. That’s cool, there’s lots of people just like me. Some guy died 4 days ago, and he’s really not nice to be around. He doesn’t do all the interesting things that we do, and now he’s pretty damn smelly, yuk. If that happens to him and I’m like him, then I figure it will happen to me too. That sucks. All this awareness I have makes me feel special. I’d like to think that death and decay does not happen to me. I think I’m special.
2st man – no you’re not
3nd man – yes you are, you’ll live for ever
2nd man – Why can you say that – you’re just like him, you’ll die too
3rd man – It’s not what I say, It’s what god says.
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 2.
2nd man – How do you know what god says?
3rd man – he speaks to me. He tells me what death will be like, he tells me what it will be like afterwards.
2nd man – what will it be like
3rd man – basically it’s all of the good things you know, none of the bad, and it goes on forever
1st man – that would be nice
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 3.
2nd man – So we go through life and die and god takes care of us after that, he arranges for us to go to this wonderful place.
3rd man – Yes that’s about it.
1st and 2nd man – that’s nice.
1st man – so you get to talk to god huh?
3rd man – yup.
1st man – can I?
3rd man – I don’t know can you? I mean have you seen him, has he told you the same things that he’s told me?
1st man – crestfallen – No.
3rd man – I guess he picked me for some reason.
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 4.
2nd man – I’ve been thinking about your invisible friend, I don’t believe he exists. He only speaks to you – so you can believe it if you want, but I’m not required to.
3rd man – OK, that’s up to you. But since you’re so full of awareness, look around. What’s the biggest thing you ever made, eh? A pile of rocks. Do you know that the earth is about 25,000 miles around – the furthest you can see is a flame about 30 miles away on a clear night. And the earth is nearly a thousand times bigger than that. That’s a whole lot bigger than a pile of rocks, nobody we know could make it so Who made the earth? – god did. Plus who makes the water we drink fall from the sky? – god does!
1st man – he’s got a point
2nd man – OK, granted. But if he’s so powerful and can arrange for us to live forever in paradise, why do we die, why do we suffer?
3rd man – No one knows for sure, but it’s like a test, basically the more hardship you endure here, the better your lot in life later. Really motivated individuals get 79 virgins and a place at his right hand. Lower denominations just get to roam around giving themselves hand jobs – there’s a spectrum see?
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 5.
1st man – If this is a test and there’s a big prize at the end, there’s got to be rules, right?
3rd man – Oh, yeah!, Hum, right. Well, you’ve got to be nice, that’s a rule, you can’t go round killing people, can you?.
1st and 2nd man – well, that makes sense. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me.
3rd man Yeah, yeah, and you can’t steal things, or screw someone else’s wife, even if they’re begging for it, there’s another rule.
2nd and 3rd man – OK we’re with you so far.
3rd man – OH, I almost forgot, here’s the first rule, the others ain’t that important, we’re all human, and god can forgive transgressions, but this is the doozie. Actually, it’s quite simple – You have to do is believe that god exists, AND that there’s only one of him.
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 6.
1st man – I’m digging this, I’m getting purpose in my life. I’m really going to stick to the rules – maybe I won’t get 79 virgins, but a couple would be nice – (Turns to 2nd man) better than you though, looks like you’ll be walking round giving yourself handjobs heh heh. I’ll be sure to wave at you while my virgins are going down on me (digs him in the ribs)
3rd man – That’s not quite how it works.
1st and 2nd man – Eh?
3rd man – maybe I didn’t make myself clear, or rather (draws himself to his erect 4 foot 5 inches and puffs out his chest) God has visited with me again and this is what he tells me, the lesser rules just determine where you end up, the primo rule - believe in me only - is a barrier to entry – not everyone is going to make it – sorry!
2nd man – Aghast – That’s bullshit, you’re fucking with me right? Recovers quickly But, hey that’s OK, I believe. I believe like a motherfucker.
3rd man – No you don’t, You said and I quote “I’ve been thinking about your invisible friend, I don’t believe he exists.” End quote. Isn’t that right – turns to 1st man
1st man – (meekly), you did say that.
2nd man – yeah, but that was then, this is now. Since then I’ve had a religious experience – I’m a convert!
3rd man – Another rule here, you can’t lie.
2nd man – fuck you, if you have this invisible god on your side who I can’t see but I’m required to believe, then you can’t know whether I believe or not or whether I’m lying.
3rd man – god knows, he knows everything, he knows if you are a liar – he’ll still let you in if you lie, but if you lie about believing in him, you’re out.
2nd man – This is bullshit!
1st man – I’ve sort of been getting these rules in bits and pieces, would it be too much to ask god if he couldn’t hammer them all out into a concise little précis – you know so that I could be sure of what to do and what not to do – that would be nice. Also, if I could get some barometer, a metric where I can see how well I’m doing against each of the rules.
3rd man – There you go, I do believe that you are starting to get it. Look, I’ll tell you what, all this talking to god stuff really sucks the time right out of the day, it hardly leaves enough time to forage, but it’s important stuff right? So look, if while you are out you can bring me something back, that would be cool, plus god would like it.
2nd man – don’t count on me. If I’m out of your fancy schmancy little club, you can starve for all I care.
3rd man – you my friend can go fuck yourself.
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 7.
1st man – here you go, it’s not a lot, but you haven’t been out expending a lot of energy so it should be enough.
3rd man – from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs, thank you my son, god is pleased
2nd man – what the fuck are you wearing?
3rd man – The stilettos represent the elevation that a spiritual person feels when they are buoyed up by the love of a caring god. The higher the heels, the more spiritual you are – these are 4 inchers baby!. The fishnets represent that our god is a fisher of men – he casts his net wide, and some he catches, and some get away – Know what I mean (winks at 1st man). The split crotch panties just make it easier for me to piss. I know it may look weird but god wants his agents here on earth to be easily recognized, plus it feeeeellllllllss goooooooood!
2nd man – you are one fucked up dude! If paradise is going to be full of people like you, you can keep it. I’ll put in my time, and when I’m dead, I’m dead – there’s an end to it!
3rd man – I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that (turns to 1st man), look here you go, god and me got together, I asked him for a complete list and he banged it out for you on the back of this cigarette pack. You can look at it, but you can’t touch it – it’s a religious artifact now, god has touched it.
1st man – awestruck – this is awesome.
3rd man – aint it though? A thing of beauty even if I do say so myself, look kid, here’s how it works – follow the rules and god tells me how you are doing, got it?
1stnd man – nods – yep!
3rd man – you keep bringing me the stuff I need, I’ll give you a regular score card, plus any specific messages or jobs god has for you – we cool?
1stnd man – icebox baby!
3rd man – turns to 2nd man – look, I know this is hard on you, being a filthy little atheist and all, but here’s the kicker – hey you (turns to 1st man who is paying his full attention to the cigarette pack), listen up! Just like if you are saved when you die you go to a good place and get to screw virgins and all, if you are not saved, you still live on.
2nd man – Brightens up – Oh Really!
3rd man – yep, straight up
1st man – crestfallen whining – but he’s not worthy! (stamps foot) he’s not out there busting his balls brining you nice things and generally going around and believing and all. That just aint fair! I get to work my ass off, and he gets to lollygag around and when he dies he still gets to live – that sucks man. (Folds arms and pouts)
3nd man – Sounds like a crisis of faith here man! (turns and fixes 1st man with a steely gaze), will you lighten up? Do you still belive?
1st man – unhappily - I guess so
3rd man – And do you TRUST me? (Grinning)
1st man – unsure – yes, yes I guess I do
3rd man – Again, I Said DO YOU FUCKING TRUST ME? (Shouting) Only this time sound off like you got a pair!
1st man – startled into rigid attention “Yes Sir!, I trust you Sir! I believe in god, Sir! I trust you Sir!
3rd man – (rubbing hands together) Excellent! You’re gonna love this! (Wheels to 2nd man) Oh yes, my friend, you get to live on, but while my friend over here gets virgins forever, you my little buckaroo get to burn forever. You know how burns hurt don’t you? Well this is like that but all over your body and a hundred times worse and it goes on forever! Not only that, but people get to sit around an torment you while you are burning, you know, stub cigarettes out on your eyeballs, cut off fingers – shit like that. Periodically they hoist you out of the pit, rub you with salt and then a line of demons 25,000 miles long wait for their turn to gang rape you for a thousand years.
1st man is near hysterical with fear and relief, 2nd man is shaken and ashen
2nd man – This is tyranny, it’s a tyranny that strides beyond the grave!
3rd man - well said my man, well said!
Fall asleep
Wake up, go foraging, stave off attacks from hungry predators
Drag self back to shelter
Part 8.
2nd man – Here’s how it works, one implies the other – paradise implies the anti-paradise. If you believe, then you get paradise, so anti-paradise is not a threat, it’s some vengeful pleasure that the chosen ones get to gloat over the non-believers. Since it’s your credo, and paradise and anti-paradise are part of the same deal, as far as I’m concerned If I don’t believe in one, then I don’t believe in the other. Catch-22 but I’m OK with it – you keep on doing what you are doing and I’ll do what I do, when I die, I’m dead – no virgins, but no demon gang rape either – fair enough?
3rd man – Well, actually god and me have been noodling over this conundrum, and to be quite frank with you, he’s really ticked off. He’s gone to all the trouble and expense to make this fabulous planet for you, he’s given you some simple rules to follow, he’s given you me to help you along the way, and he’s set up a really fabulous place for you to go when you are dead, all he wants in return is that you believe in him – that’s not too much to ask is it?
2nd man – Well, no not really, but going back to my previous point – it’s academic anyway.
3rd man accepting gifts from 1st man – thank you my son, you’re doing real good, you’re in the 82nd percentile – knocking it out of the park, really – we’re so proud of you, we’re thinking of giving you a pair of 2 inch pumps.
1st man – blushing –why, why thank you
3rd man – yes really – turns to 2nd man Good kid that, salt of the earth, man I wish I had 6 billion like him. (Shakes his head) unfortunately, I’ve got YOU (pointedly) I really mean it when I say that god’s pissed. None of this stamping and shouting pissed either, he’s loaded for bear. I’ve gone round and round with him on this, I put up a good fight for you – you know “He’s just mortal”, “Forgive him, he knows not what he does”, “cut him some slack”, but I’m afraid that he’s adamant. He wants your blood.
2nd man – this is nonsense, this is just some looney clap trap that is going around in your head – you and your invisible buddy can kiss my ass!
3nd man – Well, I tried – it’s out of my hands now. (Pulls out another pack of cigarettes and reads some scrawl on the back) According to divine dictate, you shall be taken from this place to a place of lawful execution. At the prescribed hour, you shall be stripped naked and nailed to a cross. Your balls will be cut off and stuffed up your ass and when you are dead (and NOT in paradise I might add) your head will be cut off and mounted on a spiked stick where everyone can see it. Believers or not, you gotta learn that you just don’t fuck with the big man.
2nd man – fuck you, you can’t do that
3rd man – (smiling sweetly) Oh no, I’m not going to do it (turns to 1st man) He is! (produces a pair of 2 inch pumps and says) The word of the Lord.
Part 9.
Later, outside the shelter
A hill with a cross
2nd man is in chains with a leash, 1st man is dragging him along in 2 inch heels. 3rd man is walking behind him chanting “You’re gonna get your fucking head kicked in” over and over.
End
(alternative ending)
There is a sound like a mighty fart, a large cloud of smoke and standing there is G-O-D! In person, himself. He looks exactly like the god in Larson cartoons. He coughs and splutters as the smoke clears, waves his arms and turns his head and says “Whew” like the fart smells.
1st man looks euphoric – “God” he says and falls to his knees and then prostrates himself.
2nd man looks stunned – “God” he says and stands there dumbstruck
3rd man looks stunned, but quickly gathers himself – “God …. Alright! (now like a carnival huckster), sidles round toward god and starts lecturing the other two to 1st man – see, see, didn’t I tell you! Huh? Huh?, see he does exist – I steered you right buddy boy, you better believe it, and You (contemptuously to 2nd man) You, you filthy scumbag, you didn’t fucking believe did you – does a parody of “There’s no god, he’s invisible, I don’t believe you, go fuck yourself” in a mocking voice, then screws hands up into eyes and makes baby boo hoo sounds “I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time, please let me live” stops, and says “well tough shit mister – tooo fukkin late!”
Sidles up to god “I done good didn’t I eh? Done like you told me to? You and me big man, you and me” sort of wheedling
God – in booming voice – verily I am sore vexed. I have been watching your antics for some days now – and I am rightly vexed, truthfully – I’m vexed right out of my skull. However, I do love a good crucifiction, you young laddie (points to 1st man), you’re going to need a hand getting him nailed down, these filthy little atheists don’t half squirm when you cut their nuts off.
Close to looney tunes fade out while god and 1st man grapple with 2nd man – 3rd man lights a cigarette and leans against the cross.
That should have them rolling in the aisles.
