Female announcer: “Good Evening, I’m Cindy Choo for Channel 7 news, later we’ll have news of the latest tremblor that shook the bay area earlier on today but now we’re going to speak to our very own Dale Kremmet who is on location for us in the South Bay covering an unusual new sporting phenomenon – Dale”
Head shot of sports announcer. He has an ex-pro footballer face, tanned, expensive dental work, neatly manicured grey temples. He smiles.
Dale: “Thank you Cindy and welcome to sunny San Mateo, and the birth of a new sport”
Camera zooms out and pans to a gymnasium full of the usual equipment but instead of young athletes working out, there are scores of geriatrics in athletic gear creaking and shuffling around, in among all the sports equipment like pommel horses and rings are incongruous collections of oxygen tanks, walking frames, doctors in white coats and piles and piles of pills.
Dale: “Yes folks, you heard it here first – Geriatric Olympics! I’m here at the San Mateo Arena in Northern California, Official home of the US Geriatric Olympic team”
Cindy: “Dale, can you give the viewers any insight into this particular sport?”
Dale: “Certainly Cindy, thank you for asking. Well, it pretty much is what it says, it’s old people doing Olympics. Where this is different is that the events have been modified substantially, and since old age is the name of the game, there’s a weighting scale depending on the age of the competitor”
Cindy: “So what they’re doing with the old folks is changing the weights?”
Dale: “No not exactly Cindy, and by the way, they don’t like to be called ‘geriatrics’ or ‘old folks’ – these are serious competitors Cindy, they refer to themselves as “Senior Competitors”. The way that the Thurbingen scale works, named after Doctor Vidor Thurbingen who invented the sport, is that you get more points the older you are, irrespective of what you accomplish”
Cindy: “So theoretically, an 105 year old man could get a gold just by walking to the podium on his own and beat an 85 year old who did 25 push ups?”
Dale: “That’s exactly it Cindy, although as I said it’s a little bit more scientific than that. The idea behind Thurbingens dream is that you are rewarded for longevity and how physical and active you are later in life. He’s studied the curves for how flexibility and strength fall off as we pass certain age milestones. There’s a neat little kicker in the calculations that gives you more credit if you are competing past an age where you are supposed to be dead, and that’s all built into the calculations. It’s really quite an art”
Cindy: “Dale are there any entry requirements, do I have to be a certain age to compete”
Dale: “That’s the beauty of this Cindy, there are no entry requirements. Thurbingers curves extrapolate backward and anyone can enter, at any age in life. It’s just that the average 20 year old would be so handicapped that they would stand a better chance in the regular Olympics. The entry requirements as Dr Thurbinger would say are a ‘conception event that has not terminated’, if you are alive, you can play”
Cindy: “I know that you have Dr Thurbinger there in the wings waiting to speak to us, so why don’t you bring him out and let him tell us about his ideas”
Dale: “Certainly”
Camera pans back and standing self consciously next to Dale is Dr Thurbingen.
Dale: “Doctor, why don’t you tell the viewers at home how you came up with this”
Dr. T.: “Thank you Dale, and for those viewers who are not at home, I'll tell you as well!”
Dale: (a nonplussed smile pasted to his chops) “Er, Go on Dr. Thurbingen”
Dr. T.: “Every day I get to treat middle aged people who look like old people. They are fat, sedentary and basically atrophying – some of them are not even 50 yet. Every once in a while I come across a 75 year old who is in great shape. I thought to myself that these people are defying the odds. Current models lead us to believe that it’s perfectly feasible to live past a hundred, and more importantly – to be useful, active and in good shape right up ‘til the point we die. We marvel at 75 year olds that are still in good shape, but we treat them like babies. Every time I see one, I think they deserve a medal – out of the thousands that are born daily into the human race, these are the true marathoners, the long distance specialists. It’s sad that after about 40 the majority of people are busy killing themselves with their teeth, smoking too much, drinking too much and basically not getting much more exercise than twice monthly sex with the better half that leaves them gasping like a beached whale after 3 minutes. I thought to myself, if we’re going to give medals out to 75 year olds, let’s make the old buzzards earn it, let’s give them some serious competition”.
Dale: “Eh, ummm” (sweating a little) “Fascinating observation, so what exactly did you come up with Doctor Thurbingen”
Dr. T.: “Here’s some statistics for you: Today, you have a good crack at 63 years, which is the average across the world. If you are living in a first-world country such as the good old US of A, lifespan goes up a lot. Japan has longest average life expectancy at 80 years, and in the States a baby born today can expect to live to 77. Men on average live to 72, while women live to 79. However, the average age at death for most Americans is 40.
Dale: “This is interesting stuff, Doctor, fascinating, maybe we could get to speak to one of our country’s ambassadors?"
Dr. T.: “Oh sure Dale, I’d like you to meet Theodore Widmer – certainly not our oldest competitor, but probably one of our most lucid”
Shuffling in front of the camera in front of Dale and Vidor, badly out of focus and looking and sounding like a curious manatee looms Theodore Widmer. Dale says “Oh brother!” just loud enough to hear.
Dr. T says “Here Teddy, this way” and gently takes the old man by the elbow and stands him between himself and Dale.
The old man is a motley collection of lurid endorsements on a tight spandex body costume that reveals his ravaged frame in graphic uncompromising detail. Across his pigeon chest are the bright red words “ERITO”, down the leg of his matte black spandex form fitting pants is the yellow legend “Preparation H”. The only thing that distracts from this legend is a curious looking bulge in the front. His bandy legs bow outward and downward and terminate in a snappy silver pair of Velcro Nike “Old Timers”. He has a bright pink baseball cap squished down on his bald pate to where the top of his ears fold down and out, and the band accentuates a bushy brow, rivaled only in the vigor of it’s growth by the stuff sprouting out of his ears. The cap says “Statistically dead and loving it”. An antique pair of tortoise shell rimmed glasses perches on his beaky little face and magnify the palest blue watery old eyes. Across his back propped up by shoulder blades sticking out like bony little wings are the mysterious words “Go Team Blue”.
His face is a 5 year olds masterpiece of pink play dough. This ambassador for the US speaks
Teddy: “Hold on a sec sonny”,
Sans teeth, this sounds like “Hoannasheck shunni.” Teddy slaps in a full set, grimaces grotesquely to get them in and seated and says “Tha’s better, I c’n acksherly speak naw”
Dale: “Well thank you for taking the time out of your schedule Mr. Widmer, thank you also for putting your teeth back in”
Teddy: “Yeah, take the old choppers out for competishun and trainin’ – improved airflow dontcha know – yup, spent an entire week in a windtunnel down at NASA Ames in Mountain View. Had a competition piece moulded – props the ole gums open, Teflon intake, titanium ionized grills – the works, feeds back into a soft interface with the larynx – slicker n goose shit through a tin horn”
Dale ignores the muffled snorts of laughter from the cameraman, and like the pro that he is, leads with his chin,
Dale: “Titanium ionized grills?”
Teddy: “Oh yeah – the grill is to keep out things like flies, band aids and boogers. The ionization of the grill picks up fine particulate matter, you know, stuff like gold bond medicated powder – there’s a lot of jock itch in this game you know.
"Doan wear it when I’m working out though – it’s a bastard to keep clean – can’t use the old Efferdent, has to go back to the shop to be immersed in solvent, steam cleaned and polished – too much aggravation. Wear it in competition though, it’s anodized bright red – looks like a pulmonary embolism when I’m really gaspin fer air – scares the bejeezus out of the competition – gamesmanship doncha know (winks)."
Dale: “I really had no idea how technical this sport was.”
Teddy: “Oh yeah sonny, take fer instance the Turbingen low profile colostomy bag, naw yer typical bag can take maybe 8 to 12 fluid ounces, an that’s all weight – know what I mean, yer luggin it around and it drains you (heh heh heh – breaks off into a paroxysm of rapsy laughing and wet coughing) Hoo boy, I really crack myself up sometimes, but seriously sonny, the regular bag – build for comfort, not for speed. My regular is a Macrodin T4200, screw top for easy access, extension tubes – sits right in yer lap. Indispensable fer them 12 hour cribbage tournaments. In a gig like this though – pure liability, you want a low profile bag, summat that hugs the body and don’t weigh much, (looks directly into the camera) The Thurbingen low profile is a winner in my book.”
Teddy winks, sticks his thumb up, and leers into the camera.
Dale: “Well, that certainly is informative Mr. Widmer, maybe more information than our viewers actually wanted, but as in any sport, having the right equipment is a must and ….
Teddy: “Ohhh, yeah, you betcha, one time I had an intravenous drip let go and ……
Dale: (rather too quickly) “Dr. Thurbingen, how does this whole thing work, I mean how are athletes able to afford to compete and buy all of this high tech gear.”
Dr. T.: “Dale, it’s very simple. The government spends huge amounts of money, yours and mine, figuring out who should die and when. Insurance companies use these tables and actuaries develop models that are used to calculate the premiums on policies – we’re very good at it you know. Big organizations are using the statistics for human longevity to calculate all sorts of things, who gets paid what and when, how much they have to pay in over a lifetime, how many will croak before they get to cash out – that sort of good stuff. Well, these senior competitors are really screwing up the curve – they are living longer, but consuming less in healthcare and insurance – there’s a large chunk of money right there. Drug companies are the real paradox here. In every other sport were trying to keep the drugs out of the game – here it’s not a problem. The performance enhancing drugs that pro athletes like your self used to take by the handful Dale would probably kill most of our competitors, so they are out by default. On the other hand, drug companies are beating each others brains out to have their products associated with the US team. You get the idea – “We’re keeping a 100 year old in the game, think what we can do for you!” Mr Widmer here for example makes well over $100,000 a year through endorsements."
Teddy: (sans teeth again) grinning and nodding myopically "Looka thish” Sucks in his breath and pot belly, blows out his bony little chest, and under his bright pink face the legend “ERITO” expands majestically to reveal the word “GERITOL”. Having satisfied another product placement requirement, Teddy explosively exhales a wet plume of spume, and stands there gasping weakly.
Dale is dumbstruck, but the twin agents of Widmer and Thurbingen plough ahead relentlessly, Dr. T delivering a series of beautiful one two punches that set Teddy up.
Dr. T.: “Not just drugs either, prosthetics companies – the Zeigwald sporting truss company has their name on nearly every male crotch in this building”
“Got mine on now” says Teddy, hands on hips, thrusting his pelvis forward and grinning that insane gummy grin. Down the front of the bulge, you can see picked out in Gold lame “Zeigwald - Staying Power”.
Dale is sweating noticeably now but battling on gamely. His feed from the studio back on Battery is muted to the live audience but in his ear he can hear the entire studio just howling with laughter. Unless one of these idiots actually says a profane word or, heavens to betsy, exposes themselves on national television (a distinct possibility with Teddy) he is doomed. His friends and colleagues 25 miles away are just going to let him twist in the wind. Dale feels like a ping pong ball between two people who are obviously bats. He is being inducted into the Bay Area Sports Hall of Fame in 2 weeks, and he also knows that this particular piece of prime time journalism will be hanging around his neck like an albatross. He cut across Teddy’s ramblings
Dale: “So enough of the technical details and statistics gentlemen, How about we take the viewers through some of the events”
Mercifully, Dr, T takes Dale onto the gymnasium floor and they are able to disengage gracefully from Teddy’s good natured depredation. The camera follows Dale and Dr. T. as they discuss the various disciplines.
Dr. T.: “As you can see, there are necessary financial details that need to be attended to, but this is the main thrust of what I was trying to achieve. As we get older, there is a tendency to take things easy, quite naturally, but this tendency begins in America as early as 35. People who were active in their teens and twenties become more sedentary. Apart from a few notable exceptions, like yourself Dale, there is little motivation to continue to exercise and stretch. Unfortunately, this is when we need it most, not when huge amounts of exercise will flatten stomachs and define curves, but when we no longer care about these things, but don’t yet have difficulty getting out of a chair, or climbing a flight of stairs. Our society promotes competitiveness and there is a fleeting period when anyone is able to do this and stay at the top. I wanted to promote a system where there were rewards for physical competition, no matter how old or fragile one was. I also wanted to promote an awareness that this type of thing carries it’s own reward. If you put in some training now, when you don’t need to, it will pay back later when you are unable but desperately need it. That’s why a lot of the events deal with things like climbing stairs, lifting objects from the floor into overhead spaces – that type of thing.
Dale: “I see Dr. Thurbingen, but isn’t this potentially dangerous? I mean, by definition these people are close to the ends of their natural span, and this sort of exertion could, well, let’s say hasten this process.
Dr.T.: “Ohhh yeah. Risky sports are classified in deaths per hundred thousand competitors, and our boys are right up there with hang gliding and free climbing. It’s a real thrill for these competitors to hang out on the ragged edge – we don’t advertise it too much though – it’s like big city marathons, every year there’s a handful that actually finish the course and just keel over dead in the finish lanes – they’re swept away quickly into ambulances positioned specifically for this eventuality, and it never gets coverage – same with us. There is a sort of morbid badge of honor among our athletes, it’s called 'Team Blue.' You automatically join this elite team when you experience a cerebral or cardiac event ‘in extremis’ as it were. Sort of going out at the top of your game. Viewers don’t get to see the cadavers though, just the smiling winners!
Beams enthusiastically at Dale
Dr. T continues “But, on the other hand, the years of preparation that each one of these dedicated athletes puts in pays dividends. They live much longer than their national averages, they enjoy a more active lifestyle, and need much less medical care including psychiatric therapy. They are much more independent. So you can see Dale, everyone of our competitors is experiencing the additional ……."
Behind Dale, Teddy has snuffled up unnoticed like a toothless near blind old dog. Dale is blissfully unaware, but the cameraman has caught him and like an old dog will lift his leg indiscriminately against anything nearby, Teddy butts in
Teddy: "The sex is just great, wimmin dig the money and a high profile athlete like meself, you know all about that Dale, but man, when I’m in peak condition, I can go all night like a steam hammer – the wimmin as you know just love it. Majority of them at this age ain’t been getting too much, and what they gets is piss poor, naw, you take a stud like me …"
Dale has his beautifully manicured head cradled in his beautifully manicured hands. The laughter now is audible. People in the gym are gathered around to watch this crazy old bastard and his doctor just say whatever comes into their heads. Back at Battery the switchboard is going Crazy, some people wild with anger, some people are saying that Teddy should get Dales job. Representatives for Letterman, O’brien and Leno have called to see how they can get hold of Teddy.
Vidor Thurbingen beams beatifically at the camera, and old Teddy is just rambling along oblivious to the mayhem he is causing.
Teddy will be 80 years old in 3 days. He won’t get to see 81, he’ll be dead a year from now. A cerebral event on his way to a personal best catapults him blissfully into the exalted ranks of Team Blue. His death rattle sprays slobber on Dr. Vidor Thurbingen’s nice new tie. Vidor will smile down at Teddy’s astonished little blue face. Teddy had seen a lot. When he was just 19 in England and part of the 16th Infantry Regiment, Easy Red made him think of a girl. He had no earthly clue why he survived to see his 20th birthday, and afterward pretty much everything seemed a lot less important and urgent than it used to. This trend continued as he got older, right up to this point. Right now he was having just about as much fun as a man could have with his pants still on. Teddy Widmer was living the dream.
Peter Yarrow 2005
8/6/05 finished at 11:28 – a swoop
